flygye12

Exasperated !

2012-01-27T12:43:00.001+05:30

The best company for me seems to be myself. When I'm with meself I don't get much of a chance to speak by my mouth. So I don't get any chance to offend anyone. Similarly I don't get a chance to get offended/hurt/disappointed by anyone cause I usually am not my usual sensitive around me. I might definitely get disappointed in meself sometimes but no, never offended. :P
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2012

2012-01-24T05:27:00.000+05:30

Unless the world ends this year, its gonna be an interesting run. Our lives are at such crossroads. What we choose this year is going to decide the remainder of the life it seems. For now things seem to be going the right way. Bebe has finally been offered to work on accounts he would like to work on. Within the last two months he has seen two places he had never visited before. That he found them overrated is a different story. So maybe a foreign trip is in the offing this year. He is also looking at a job shift. Me too. My company will close down India ops any time this year. And i don't mind. It has been a wonderful experience working here these past two years. What i really want to do now is to work for the school. But its a bit distant right now. So i am just sitting on my ass till they finally give me yhe pink slip. Then i hang around Delhi till around May when my examinations will be. The second half of the year i will stay home, look after the school and try my luck at my Bombay examinations. The cat h is that my closest friend has offered me a job in Gujrat or Indonesia. I will surely turn down the latter cause i cant do the Bombay exam thing in that case, and Jan is the last go I can have at it. But the school does require money so i will surely take up the Gujju thing if required.

The Schedule

2012-01-18T19:28:00.001+05:30

No amount of cute iPad cartoons gonna make my anger go away. There is something called a Schedule which is fixed in my mind. I may or may not choose to follow it on event by event basis. But I can not accept it to be disrupted by anyone else. Especially when it involves making me not able to make it to the gym. I am already fighting against weight and losing. On top of that the cook's getting her bladder stone surgery. And her sister the cleaning maid being too scared to visit alone. Everything is topsy turvy and you decide that you can't sleep so I must be woken up???
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A Little Compassion in our lives

2012-01-18T08:54:00.001+05:30

Okay, I accept I snore and grind my teeth in night. You have told many times a few months back. But does that give you an excuse to wake me up at 0330 in the night to tell me that? What did I do after that? I went to the other room n slept. What am I gonna do tonight onwards? The same. What could YOU have done if you could not sleep last night because of my snoring? The same. "Don't snore" wasn't gonna help for sure. I don't do it consciously. I don't do it for fun. Have you ever found me snoring when I'm awake? No. You KNOW that I have to wake up real early. If it was disturbing you so much, what was keeping you from going to the other room? Ego? (why should I leave the room when HE is snoring?).

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2012-01-18T03:32:00.001+05:30

Teach me how to sleep once more please. Okay, correct me if I'm wrong, I have to lie down with my eyes closed. But I should not lose my consciousness otherwise I will start snoring. So all I have to do is lie down and close my eyes. That's called sleep.
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2012-01-16T17:41:00.001+05:30

There was a Medical Check Up camp organised in the office today. The Boss of course thinks our Department is too high n mighty to go and attend. The Colleague says I don't like medical check ups. They are all sham. The worst term invented is BMI. It does not tell the actual health of a person. You guessed it right. He is round and round. I realize too of my colleagues who are fat, are quiet aggressive-defensive about it. The second one even goes as far as challenging any one on a 5km race. ROFL
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2012-01-16T17:36:00.001+05:30

I told a colleague y'day that its Pulse Polio Day. He replied, just go and check which is the nearest inoculation centre near your house. >:O
Bastard !
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2012-01-16T08:26:00.001+05:30

Is it my lot to keep appearing for exams all life :(
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Party all night, not

2012-01-11T07:06:00.000+05:30

Need to plan up to the end of tax year. Need to spend nothing on any parties or eating out or extra curicular activities. I dont want us to carry last year's credit card debts to the next year. I feel i should even think of keeping only one credit card n returning the other two. Its time for extreme measures. If we plan to go out, we should not. Instead we need to put the amount we spent towards paying the card bill. :) Bebe ur not getting birthday party this financial year. Ha ha ha. Ok its going a bit too far. But i don't see how we are going to manage if we dont do extreme stuff. With the amount of money we are bringing home, if we have zero as savings, we should be ashamed of ourselves. Remember, Credit Cards are evil. Now keep repeating that.

Updates

2012-01-10T06:46:00.000+05:30

Ok. So Bebe found out the other blog where i rant and rant. Not nice. Intruding, but thats the way he is. Period.
Bebe met USP. Had all the good things to say bout him :))
We attended an AMAZING new years partay. An all lesbian affair. Started off feeling cornered n bored (40 Dykes n 4Gays wadya expect). But in the end everyone started enjoying. Maybe it was the drinks. But it was fun. I think we met one of the bloggers there. Never knew that she's gay. Maybe she isnt. Maybe she is.
Bebe finally went n saw a place ive never been to. I'm happy :))
Met someone I befriended on FB.She turned out to be the coolest American ever. Also learnt that we are not good with fine dining Delhi experience. So not gay. Need to Work on that.
Bebe gifted an iPad for my b'day. Love it. Except for the fkin auto spell check. Awful.
Really want Kindle Fire. But trying delayed gratification.
Finally gifted a small itemtoBebe without his asking. It was fun. Should do it more often :))
Gonna change all ma passwords now. Grrr..
Need to plan out this year properly.

Test2

2012-01-09T07:17:00.001+05:30

Test 2
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2012-01-09T07:15:00.001+05:30

Test

2011-12-22T21:49:00.001+05:30

Whats there to not be irritated? I understand that staying late in office is not in your hands and also someone else staying over tonight too. Moreover we're not gonna meet till next Wednesday. Add to that we have not met since Wednesday because I leave before you wake up and I am sleeping when you return.
But asking me to not be irritated too, is asking for too much. The front door's been locked. You can open it with your key. The food is in the kitchen. See you on Wednesday.

Nightmare

2011-12-12T06:51:00.002+05:30

Woke up suddenly in the morning. Was dreaming of sitting in that wretched place once again answering questions. Maybe that is why I have been grinding teeth in the sleep for past few days. It was a particularly disappointing week art wise. Was trying to copy one of Van Gogh's. But im no good at copying other people's works after all. Bb also said that it doesn't look good at all. Si tried saving it with pastels, but the surface had become too smooth after the van Goghish amounts of paint that I had applied. So i stopped struggling. And that's the story of another one of my incomplete works. On the brighter side, I learnt something. What I AM good at is what's mine, my original. No amount of copying will be a patch on someone else's original. 2nd patience, which is not exactly my thing, is the key. I should therefore, plan exactly what I want to paint and then try to keep myself within those limits. 3rdly, Bebe may not always mean what he says. On enquiring that which piece by me he likes the best, he mentioned the monsoon skyline in pastel which now hangs in the narrow corridor outside my bathroom. I clearly remember the day I painted it, how it looked much better originally till I tried to improve upon it with picnik. Anyways it looks much better on Facebook. (On hindsight I wish we had framed it in the way I have uploaded it on FB). I also remember quiet clearly how baby had told me why I waste time, paper and colour on these 'experiments'. It looks crappy. I had anyways insisted that I liked it and made him to get it framed. And now he claims that that very piece is his favourite. The moral of this should be that I shouldn't take his opinion on thae matters. But the fact is that he IS the only person whose opinion matters the most. I only wish sometimes he could give a Virgo like opinion, in parts rather than dismissing stuff on the whole- what's going against it, what could be done to improve it etc. Read it on tumblr, "A hard disk full of How-To's can't replace actually going out there and practicing".
I had started writing this article because in the morning I had come to the conclusion that I am not cut out to be an artist after all. I should keep it as a Hobby and rather concentrate on the career that I have on my hands, and my studies. But looking at the amount of space I have devoted on writing about my last failed painting assignment makes me rethink about the possibility that I might actually be passionate about it. I am not even caring about how I might bore my blog audience, who might not be that interested in my artistic pursuits.
So the thing to do is to balance. Find time and divide it. I really want to practice some drawing during the lunch break, but I have this friend/colleague who drags me to the malls everyday. Thankfully the office is shifting to a Godforsaken place where I doubt very much if any place to walk is available.
Drawing,you see is the key. Any great painter is at first Very good at drawing. And I am not very good at it. I'm just okay. Good us Zimou Tan. I will try to post one of his videos some time. You could look him up on YouTube meanwhile. The only thing is to practice practice practice and some more practice.
Oh, there's so much to do. I must stop wasting my time on tumblr. Just pick up one pic from Flickr or deviantart and start practicing. One drawing everyday should be enough. But it has to be everyday. (Bebe is it a must that I have to smell your bloody cigarettes right next to my bed? Can't wait for 1st of Jan after which I'll just flush them as soon as I see them.)
The other thing worrying me besides painting and studying is that I have not been able to pray for quite some time now. I go to gym in the mornings. Will have to rethink the whole sched once the office shifts. God knows how much time it'll take to reach there. Or I might think of going to the gym that side.
The school website's been hanging too. I need to put that simple web page that I have in mind. So much to do and do little time :(
Do I share too much here :P

Will always be FG

2011-12-10T09:18:00.000+05:30

Am back here. This is my Internet identity and will remain so. :)
As it we have dual lives, don't want any more identities :P

This is how the cookie crumbles !

2011-04-05T07:57:00.001+05:30

Its going to be muddy for sure. I don't want to publish this post before I have confronted him.
Do you sometimes turn your ears away from the truth that you know is going to hurt you?
Do you deny facts that you know from your insides to be true?
Do you go against your better judgement?
How many times will you pardon infidelity?

The future seems so bleak. And lonely. The worst thing is that he has spoiled it all for me. I can never love anyone again. Or trust for that matter. He has proved that gay people are exactly what they are portrayed to be. For the past few years I have changed as a person. I have cut myself off from everyone. I have made him the center of my universe. Now with the center gone, everything will have to change. I don't have any friends. The few people that I know in Delhi are his friends. Now that circle will be gone too. I will have to start from the scratch. Starting with house-hunt. I am not in a hurry to leave the house. I want to be thorough this time with him spilling all the beans. Himself. Though there is the risk that he might make me stay on ... again. But something has finally died inside completely.

Today is the last Saturday before we break up. The heart wants to go over to Delhi and get it over with just now. But I know I must be patient. I intend to do it on Monday evening. I will make him come home early. And then I will ask him how he wants to clean up the mess he has created. There will be the question of looking for a new house. I have one place in mind where I will be able to get a place very quickly. But the meaning of life will be all gone. What will I do when I return from office? I will have nothing on me. No kitchen stuff, not even a gas to cook on, no TV, Radio, Fridge, AC....even a bed to sleep on. I will have to buy everything one by one. I can't afford to shift right now, with most of the salary going to the school. But I guess what must be done must be done. But the thing that will still pinch is the meaning of life. The parents irritate by never giving up on showing me girls. Working my whole life in the school? There is nothing going on in my city. Nothing. Not that I am the party boy types. But not even an arts club. I think I will try to do as many things that interest me before its time for me to say goodbye to Delhi and move to the school in my hometown. So exercising and getting back to my hobbies and yes, learning to make new sane friends will be what I will do to get my life back together. But that will be the topic of another blog. Meanwhile, till I write one last post (maybe)....... Its good bye my dear friends ! The Journey has been Memorable, hope to cross you again in the blogosphere! Good Bye Again !

2011-04-03T00:24:00.000+05:30

Sunday, Apr 3rd, 2011 -- Today's events may initiate a journey of questioning, where the deeper you delve, the less you know. The current lesson is that real wisdom only arrives after you let go of your search. The transition point that contains the mysteries of birth, death and the cosmos occurs when one cycle ends and the next one hasn't yet started. The New Moon in your 8th House of Shared Feelings is a reminder that individually you don't have all the answers -- yet after conferring with others, you'll still need to move

Horoscope for 1st Apr

2011-04-03T00:22:00.001+05:30

You may be extra hard on someone who isn't living up to his or her end of a bargain. You don't want to be the heavyweight, but if others flake out you might have to be the one to give them a reality check. Thankfully, this is something you can do with some authority because you know exactly what must be done. However, an overbearing approach won't be the best way to make your point. Instead of issuing harsh criticism from your head, be kind and speak from your heart. - this is gonna be on Monday :)

Horoscope for 2nd Apr

2011-04-03T00:21:00.002+05:30

Typically, you're more interested in knowing that you have the facts right than exploring your feelings about what's happening. Today, however, you can push through old emotional limitations and into new territory because you want the most intense experience you can get. Your behavior might surprise your friends or partner because usually you're more cautious. Don't resist your desires because you're afraid of being judged. This is your opportunity to create positive change, so don't let it slip through your

trojans trolls and viruses

2011-03-29T05:43:00.001+05:30

I do need a good smart phone. one that at least can copy paste. last
time i wrote a long post and the gprs won't work. the whole thing went
to a waste. last two weekends have been good. i have actually spent
them painting most of the time. what i have produced has been
atrocious but i get the feeling that i CAN get there. how come you
never see the practise works of geniuses? they make it seem as if they
were all born great.

Keeping it together

2011-03-06T21:38:00.001+05:30

Here's a list of things to look forward to when everything seems to be
falling apart :)-
1. delhi half marathon in nov. did i ever mention i am gonna
participate? yes, i changed that wanna to gonna just now. i think it
needs around 4 months training. i am going start around jun end. ok,
since this is a secret blog i'll let out a secret - i secretly wanna
win. alright alright with all those kenyans around and with wrong legs
to upper body ratio add to that my bad knees and my age on the
incorrect side of 30s, that sounds like a tall order. but do you know
the age of the indian male who won in indian category? well that's the
group i'll be in for. and there is always the next year and another
hundreds of marathons to choose from.
2. i'm gonna buff it up. yes. this is the year of the body for me. the
plan is to hit heavily on the weights till the pools open. planning to
go to gym in the mornings now. will give me free evenings. wont give
excuse to skip. tough part will be to prepare lunch AND breakfast.will
see

2011-02-24T22:44:00.001+05:30

No rights. no duties. distances fill the void.

?

2011-02-24T06:56:00.001+05:30

Are you sure you're good to me?

Ah these mornings. . .

2011-02-23T08:12:00.001+05:30

Every morning one wakes up and there is a heaviness. is part of the
reason that its more than two weeks that mom spoke to me? or is it due
to the long lonely days that are in store soon?

2011-02-21T08:17:00.001+05:30

Its been so long since it was sweaty hot that I've forgotten what
summers are like. i am slowly starting to despise weekends. work days
keep me busy. woke up early again today. can you get mid life crisis
at 31?

Tightrope

2011-02-21T05:34:00.001+05:30

What scares more than shit out of me is that i may break down. or
should i say they will break me down. its been like 5 or 6 years now
living under this kind of pressure. they may not tell me everyday but
i do feel it subconsciously. like every time i speak to them i can
feel the strain. it was easy to bear this when Bebe was around. i
don't know what will happen when I'm alone. i really want freedom from
this. its been festering too long.

no pain no gain

2011-02-18T09:11:00.001+05:30

Bebe has been instructed not to read this blog at all. when i tell him
i feel lonely and sad at the prospect of his going away, he says I'm
being negative. so okay, I'll not speak, I'll write. whenever I'm
stressed i start making mental lists of options in front of me. when i
write these lists i also write what's troublin me and solutions for
each problem. piece by piece. this satisfies me so much that i never
feel the need to follow up on my re-solutions. :). its a happy state
till the guilt starts biting my ass each

The nights are longer.

2011-02-17T21:47:00.001+05:30

My bruxism is at peak. i hate change is a well known fact. sometimes i
wish we would cut to forward. he'd be gone and i would finally face
and get over with what I'm livin in dread of every night. i never
dream. but been dreaming past 3 nights. wake up real early everyday.
wake me up when September comes. it would save my teeth at least.

Today's Tarrot Reading

2011-02-17T21:16:00.000+05:30

Tensions have been building and something has to give. Even if you are resisting the change, now you are becoming increasingly ready for an energetic shift. You cannot push this transition; it still will take a while to play on through. But at least you know where the problems are and have an idea on how to go about resolving them. For now, it's best to work through all the scenarios in your imagination without committing to one specific path, until you see how the circumstances unfold.

If i were a lodger

2011-02-17T20:48:00.001+05:30

Then i would accept the situation. but if this is my home then you
have to ASK me before bringing anyone home to stay for the night. it
doesn't matter if its your daughter or sister or grand daughter. me
casa is tu casa only within the rules i set. my way or highway.

its always sunny in Philadelphia

2011-02-17T20:18:00.000+05:30

but its not the same in grumpyland. so much has happened in the last 9
months and yet nothing changed. Bebe and i are livin together. i am
well settled in the job that i enjoy. mom n dad are still after my
guts for getting me married. the schools started. we have 8 Kids now.
i have made 1 friend at least and i am out to her. baby and i have had
4 or 5 major fights. we have agreed to hate each other's parents to
the core. but unfortunately I'm the one who actually has to live with
HIS parent everyday. i now have the luxury of watching tv series when
they actually air and not buy them from China. i have joined a gym and
can now exercise and choose my food. ok strike the last till mother in
law has decided to make herself our guest. can be with Bebe everyday
tho he prefers partying with his innumerable friends to my company. 3
days out of 5 in a work week we don't meet as one is sleeping when
other is coming from work or leaving. Bebe is moving to Canada in
mid-august.

We're back where we started

2011-02-17T08:05:00.001+05:30

long time no see at the blog. that's set to change. more so post august i think.

Music in the Park :Begum Parween Sultana

2010-11-14T10:59:00.000+05:30

Thursday. There is an advertisement announcing Begum Parween Sultana is going to perform at Nehru Park on Saturday evening under the aegis of Spic-Macay. The ad is so small that you will miss it if you are holding paper there. I want Bebe and me to go. Discovering her only in August and getting to watch her sing live in November. If I am not lucky then I don't know what I am. Same day I have a fight with Bebe. Friday late night we make up - I know I am going to be super joyed and I want him to be next to me then. I ask him. He says yes. Saturday morning he's told he has to work. :( He offers mil to accompany me in his place. Yeah, right ! I am super thrilled ! You can check out my earlier posts to confirm that. "But can't you join a bit later?" No, he can't promise anything. He will not enjoy it anyways, he says. Okay but at least you drop us (I'm ready to bear her company if he is going to come too) and pick us up later. No. Well if that is settled, it is not going to disappoint me any further. I am going to watch her perform live and I am going to enjoy that.
Thanks to Google Maps, I reach without taking any wrong turn. I am coming to Nehru Park after a decade and a half. We reach early, the concert area is almost empty. We are waiting and waiting and waiting. My normally low patience runs out. I am irritated at this concept of Indian Standard Time. My dear Madam, you maybe a classical performer but which classical era are you living in? It has already started turning dark. I can't even see the people in the VIP area properly anymore. Do I have night blindness? Note to myself, remember to buy multi-vitamins. I am in half a mind to change my status on Facebook when Sunit Tandon takes up the mic. ''We apologize for starting the programme so late.........''. Oh ! At least they know that they are late.
Suddenly I see her !
She's climbing the stage. She looks so tiny in person. She bows to the stage and climbs up. "Dear Friends, I am so sorry that I am late. The flights were delayed and I am coming straight from the airport". I can't wipe that smile off my face. "I can't see anything, someone please remove these lights from my face." The lights are duly removed. "Its always a joy to perform here." Someone produces tea for her. She takes a sip, "Even though the sun is set and it is dark, but there must still be light in Bombay (looking at her watch) so I will start with my favourite rag Jog." You can't recognize her trademark voice as she starts the Aalap. Its so deep. She does seem tired. (She's 60). She breathes in heavily after every aalap.She snorts sometimes. Has she caught a cold? Sips her tea sometimes. She keeps adjusting her team around her. ''Mithiles(h) Jha on tabla, ghulam Mehmood(?) on harmoniyam and my shishyas.'' First 10-15 minutes during the Alaap she is mostly adjusting the instrument players' seating arrangement & the mics' volumes "Thoda aawaz badhaiye, mujhe sunaai nahi de raha hai" I believe she has some volume control box next to her. She is fiddling with it throughout the concert. As she slowly settles down to singing, you can see her size increase right in front of your eyes, till she fills up the whole stage and the audienc. She is like the captain of a little crew. She keeps tuning till everyone is playing in harmony. "Aap ooncha bajaiye"(to the harmonium player). "Tum log aagey aa jao" (to her tanpura playing students). She knows exactly how she wants the arrangements so that she can give a completely perfect and enjoyable performance. Is the harmonium player her younger borther? She gives him directions sometimes in a curt personal way. She is more polite to the tabla player.She keeps moving her mouth near and far from the mic. She finds the correct distance and shifts her body there. Finally she is happy with the volume of the harmonium, her own volume and the arrangement. Her instructions are now replaced by "Kya baat hai.....arrey wah ! kya baat hai!" Slowly her voice is becoming the sweet high pitched that I identify her with. She is now completely into the singing and has started enjoying it. They are doing their own thing. They sometimes laugh amongst themselves at something, the import of which is lost on the audience. After a particularly amazing vocal play the audience break out in applause. She is suddenly reminded that there are other people listening. She bows hands folded in gratitude. The audience are happily lapping up everything. The applause is more frequent. In return she sings more difficult arrangements which garners more applause.The importance of singing live finally dawns on me. Both the performer and the audience need each other, complete each other. The first piece ends. More tea is brought in for everybody on stage. " Aap log mujhe maaf kijiye, main aap ke saamney chai pee rahi hoon. Par bahut thaki hui hoon, gala bhi thaka hua hai." The next is rag Hansdhwani on someone's request. She is completely into it. You are sure why they gave her Padma Shri when she was only 26. No other performer has ever one at such a young age. Her vocal range spans 3 and a half octaves. Whatever that might mean, I do know that she can sing amazingly high pitch and amazingly low pitch and she epitomizes what is called sureeli in Hindi. She sings in sur. She has started looking at her watch. Her time is running out. The other peformer is waiting. She wraps it up with a Meera Bhajan. Religious harmony you think. Someone wants her to sing one more piece. She excuses herself. The tradition is that you do not make the other artist wait. The MC announces a short break before Dr Subramaniam starts his performance. I am not so much into classical violin, so we make a quick getaway. Next week is Ustad Rashid Khan. I am not going to miss him for the world ! Meanwhile I am floating in a musical heaven. If you are in Delhi, do not miss these classical performances.

(PS: I don't know much about classical music. It just feels right and soothing to me. Apologies for any errors. I write as an ignorant layman !)

But there is hope

2010-10-03T09:31:00.002+05:30

somehow I can't mope a lot. Yes a study does say that unmarried men (practically I am living alone with my m-i-l. Yes Baby, when you are free you are out with your friends. Even on days you know that I need you. Yes I will complain. Yes I will complain on my blog. Yes I will sunao you for a Hundred years) tend to be more depressed, tend to be more prone to cardiac trouble etc. Yes all that but still, this is how my mind works. You have a problem- These are the possible solutions.

Okay so here are the problems with their possible solutions:

Problem: A Certain degree which is holding me

Solution: Steadily (however slowly bebe thinks you work) keep working on the thing which you know will give it to you easily

Meanwhile enroll for distance learning for that course

Problem:Certain people giving you hell

Solution: Give them that and then a little more

Pick their calls only when you want

Annoy them

Problem: your MIL's cooking & meal timings

Solution: Emigrate

Cook your own meals

Move out

Make it clear to her that she is living in OUR house and not the other way around. which makes me think that having her help Bebe buy the house will be asking for trouble. But he needs it anyways. We'll see, we'll cross that bridge when we reach it.

2010-10-03T08:31:00.003+05:30

I read somewhere that India dillies-dallies in all the urgent issues and somehow muddles her way through them all.

Okay I dilly-dally & I procrastinate...a lot and I do waddle in the muddle.

But some how I don't get through it all. I am still there in the middle of all that dirt.

I have allowed the 'issue' to fester & rot for so long and now everything is coming apart at its seams. (Certain select readers from the Grammar Police on the blogosphere & FB please pardon if my English is bad here, words are coming out faster than I can cope up with).

My mind is all in a chaos. But somehow it is at peace. It is too tired to think about anything.

Watched Sabrina (1954). Thank God for Audrey Hepburn.

Ha Ha, I actually wrote the year of production after the movie. LOL, guess the after effects of sorting out so many torrents.

I never wanted this blog to become my sob story. I do have happy, even ecstatically funny/fun moments in my life which I do not record here. There are the new friends I wrote about in the last post. There is the new job which is exactly suited to my temperament. There are the generally nice, supportive & co-operative team-mates at the job that I do not talk about. There is this new life living with Bebe continuously which I do not write about. This blog was meant to be about the whys of how my mind works. And yes it does work in fun ways at times. It does get amused at small things but I fail to write about them.

But I turn to the blog only to cry. I think one of the main prohibitive reasons is that the laptop given by office has one of those spy keyloggers. Every site visited, every word typed is recorded & automatically mailed to the office server (or whatever it is called). The computer has remote access to certain other people. I tried to find out/remove it but the settings get automatically reset as soon as one logs on to the office network. The mails marked to me can definitely be accessed by others in my team for sure but what else they can access on my laptop I don't know. I have been lazy in trying to find out all these things because somehow this does not seem to be my last job. I feel like I have to move on ultimately. By July. I don't know why but I have set July as my deadline. Bebe may feel mad at not having discussed this with him. But he has been too busy at work for the past 3-4 months. When he is home, he's glued to the TV. We don't talk ! Maybe I have trained him that ways. But I have full intentions of moving the television out of the bedroom & into the living room when the winters come but he won't have any of it. I say keep the music system here. That's all.

The second reason is that after looking at a laptop for 14 hours a day you don't feel like opening your other/own one only to write the blog. Moreover the wi-fi on my Toshiba was not working. Its ok now. The password was wrong.

Sometimes its tiresome living with M-I-L & the servant 24x7. There seems to be no privacy. No choice. The thought that I should rather be living with my mom does cross the mind but that seems to be impossible. Not in such an arrangement at least. I doubt that mom or dad, any of them will ever want to leave their house and live with me.

I was not raised a single child then how come I have all the characteristics of one? I don't like sharing.

I have become selfish and insensitive. Yes I know that. Mom accuses me of that. Maybe its a defense mechanism cause I am a coward & an escapist. just like Bebe sometimes says I am.

But why should everybody be brave? If I can live 'away' comfortably why should I not ??? This blog can testify that I did try. Coming out? Yes I did. Went about badly. Who are you kidding if you say you haven't come out to the parents. They know ! I have talked enough earlier about where I stand about coming out.

I don't even want to write here what's happening with home. Suffice to say that its not all good.

If I had a choice I would have moved out of the country right now ! And never come back ? Maybe. I don't know. Maybe that is why I don't have a choice.

How sad that there is one event which is going to define my relationship with them. Am I being selfish or are they? I really really need to know the answer to this question. If I am not buckling to their pressures and agreeing to their demands on how I wish to live my life, how am I being selfish? I was ready to live alone, without my partner with you, start a little business and take care of you in your old age. Was that not enough to show my love?

Certain things are irreversible. Some damage is irreparable. I may never be sad again, but then I may never love you either. What I have learnt over the years is that unconditional love is a myth perpetrated by some romantic. All relationships are a business of give and take. You take something even when you give. But the trouble starts when you don't want to give (in). Am I going to die a lonely crazy bitter old man? Alzheimer's I am surely going to get. Is my wanting to adopt a child, is that a selfish act too, is it just an investment for my future/for my old age? Or is it that I have a some certain kind of love that can be showered only upon a child? In any case that even seems so far away now, it might even be impossible. Why to feel sad, its just another of your dreams which is not going to be fulfilled. You see, for a single man, if his parents assure the agencies that they will provide full support to him with the adopted child, getting a child is very easy. As it is its not easy adopting in this country. Let's see what the future has in store.

Somehow I am being pushed to the point of no return. Or maybe I have already been pushed to that point. Something just died inside yesterday. Its like the heart is being closed in a steel chamber one piece at a time and yesterday suddenly it was encapsulated in so many layers of steel that no emotion no sound no cry no tear would ever reach it. I can almost visualise it, that cold dark place alone but brave in its loneliness.

Am I being the drama queen that gay men are always accused of being?

2010-09-09T21:29:00.001+05:30

One of Bebe's friends, who now is my friend, has asked me to paint something for her wall. That seems to be such a responsibility. I'm taking it seriously even though she may not be.

2010-08-20T08:55:00.001+05:30

losing a grip on things. sick of this life full of poverty loneliness
insecurity. teetering on borderline of depression. need to change
things. don't want to go back to old job.....but may need to.....

2010-08-16T06:45:00.001+05:30

when i was a little boy, whenever someone asked me what i would like
to be when i grow up, i never knew the answer. but my mind would rush
to even further in to the future. i would imagine me as an old man in
a little cottage with a stream flowing nearby, sitting on a cosy sofa
next to the fireplace in my library with walls full of books from
bottom right to the top. there was never anyone else in those visions
maybe a dog when i was younger but i was mostly alone. that image
stayed with me all throug my years. only a little has now changed in
the last few years. i can now feel how that old man feels- lonely and
bitter. his appearance has also now somehow fixed to that of amitabh
bachchan in pa.

2010-08-04T22:11:00.002+05:30

. "You may run across a ... who is so busy keeping the corners of his (or her) mind neat and orderly that he's become care less about his clothing or his surroundings, which may fool you when you catch him in an off moment. But wait. Sooner or later you'll find him picking up a pin from the rug, brushing his hair or pinching a piece of lint off his shoulder."

"He'll have many exact habits, and hell complain if his belongings are moved or his privacy invaded. He does certain things at certain times, and if his personal schedule is upset, he will be, too"

"This ... will criticize every member of the family, sometimes with amusing, but cutting imita tions of their faults. He'll probably ask for his own room early and be fussy about your cooking. No lumps in the mashed potatoes, please, and not so much seasoning in the stuffing."

2010-08-04T22:01:00.000+05:30

A Perfect Day

2010-08-04T21:43:00.002+05:30

I come home from work to that home from that Celine Dione video that baby knows. The living room is minimalistic, few sofas, a little rug, little glass & steel centre table....okay I'll put the video link. I put on my choice of music-Hindustani/Western Classic-till Bebe, who obviously works harder & hence longer hours, returns. I have already been to the gym/swimming pool (preferably). There is definitely no one else sharing the house with us, not even the servants- I hate stay at home help. I cook dinner for us, I would prefer Baby to appreciate it however the taste maybe. Okay I like the yellow Dal & vegetables but I won't mind keeping them once in a while affair. I would rather have lightly cooked vegetables with soups and juices and some whole grain bread or some such thing. In short something healthy. Baby comes home, we eat. We sit in the living room with the modern faux fireplace. I read, Bebe maybe watches some news (ah I wish!).

I do wonder in this fantastical life what work do I do. The school I definitely won't mind. But somehow so much has happened since I last wrote the blog, it seems an up-appealing idea to say the least. I wish I would work on paintings and become good enough to sustain us on....

Oh all fantasies....

test

2010-08-04T13:13:00.001+05:30

Tdpt

Enid Blyton turned me Gay

2010-07-28T21:17:00.002+05:30

Last Sunday there was this news in the Sunday paper that they are going to update EBs starting with The Famous Five. It was after many years that I was reading the names of the five (correct me if I am wrong) -Julian, George, Tim, Anne, forgotten the 5th one (and was Tim the dog?). Anyways the point is that I was fascinated by Julian from the very start. The eldest, protective, intelligent, cool, calm....he was everything you wished for. Somehow his entry would calm the whole story. I don't know why but I remember him as a blond, lean, tall 16-17 year old wearing a red tee and jeans. Maybe it was like that on one of the book covers.

Now isn't it stupid updating the language of Enid Blyton? There plan is to take out the typical British War time slang and replace them with modern words which 'children will be able to easily understand'. I think it simply means to screw up the books. Why does one read Enid Blyton if one doesn't get to read the original how she wrote them?(Okay I am just going with the flow, I may not mean anything but I have to get done with this I have been thinking since Sunday and didn't really have the patience of sitting down and blogging). And who are adults to judge children's intelligence? We understood them, and English was not our first language so why won't white assed kids?

(PS: Frank Hardy is another one who maybe responsible for turning me Gay :P )

I am not interesting

2010-07-28T21:02:00.003+05:30

I wonder who has time to read what's happening in other people's lives. I don't have time to do that. When I was not working in this traditional way, I used to have all the time in the world, I was interested then. Today I am not. I simply do not have the time. Its been exactly the number of days since my last post since I last read anyone's blog. Maybe even more because earlier I was blogging from my phone. It has since been usurped by Bebe. His last phone, which he claims was second hand (as if I believe him, though I do occasionally), has finally breathed its last about 3 months back. He has since then claimed my phone as his own till I buy him an iPhone. The other option was my old phone, a lame Nokia Supernova, which he says has the following faults-is too old fashioned, the keys are too tight, doesn't go with his look now that he has a new job, designation etc etc. That this exact phone was the one he made me buy last year, as the best value for money thing, why should you spend unnecessarily on such frivolous things as mobiles, is another story. The not frivolous iPhone has been on his 'FG to buy following items for me' list for like ever. Its been almost 3 years now, what? Sometimes he swings a bit towards the htc legend, but I sway him back towards the iPhone. No, I say, you are not going to buy any other phone than the iPhone. I want to buy him one and get over with it :P because I know even if he buys some other phone it will not stop him from wanting the iPhone next. I was hoping it will be in August but 'unforeseen circumstances' have pushed it a bit farther... So till I get my phone back, no photo updates on FB and no frequent blog posts on Blogger.

Its good to be home

2010-06-19T15:03:00.001+05:30

Returned home after nearly a 3 weeks and it feels good. I should have
named this 'How green was my valley'. Actually its only my colony
thats really green. I think i'd be less stressed out if i was working
while living at home. But then again they'd drive me crazy with
incessant talks about my marriage. So one can't have it all. The funny
thing was that the first thing i say after landing was a repeat of the
scene between baby and me last night before i left delhi. Only dad was
me and mom was more vocal than bebe (which would've been different had
he not been sick). Dad was shoutin at everyone and everybody that he
was getting late and he had worked so much since morning and mom could
not even get breakfast ready on time and that he'd leave without
eating. Mom said, okay then go. Ha ha ha.... I know where i get my
genes from. I act exactly like the two :-)

Finally...

2010-06-05T13:57:00.004+05:30

Finally I get a week-end when I'm not doing...much. So giving out the address of the tarot lady so that I can retain my blog audience. They seem to have abandoned me because of this. She's called Rasika, her 'office' (for the lack of a better world) is at PVR Anupam. Above what used to be that Lebanese food joint (don't know what they sell now). Her husband (?) picks up the phone and fixes the appointments. There, are u guys satisfied now?

Microliving

2010-05-27T06:25:00.000+05:30

I have experienced being pressed for time before. But it was not
everyday. everyday would be either a Monday or a Sunday depending on
how you took it. i now know the meaning of weekends. i can feel the
concept of TGIF. i know now what it means trying to steal that extra
little hour of sleep. so i resort to stealing from the day itself. so
i turn off my mind for the ten minutes that i shave. i take lessons
about Indian classical music from ignou's radio channel at 8 in the
morning while driving to the office. the twenty minute drives are
escapes themselves. i eat lunch the last when the office dining room
is almost empty. its my ME time. in this scheme of things i plan to be
a weekend blogger. so giving out addresses of psychic ladies after
hunting for their visiting cards is a chore for Saturday.

Rehabilitation

2010-05-20T06:10:00.001+05:30

So i got the job. and it feels Wierd. what i have learnt so far is
that Mondays are the longest days of the week and Fridays are the
slowest. i am definitely not used to working 9 to 5 or returning home
from work or driving to work or having 12 days of annual leave or week
ends or not having time to think or being too tired to do anything
after work...... it feels like i am getting rehabilitated. it feels
like i was gone too long......

These boots are made for walkin'

2010-05-07T21:03:00.002+05:30

The Tarot lady said it too. She said you allow everyone to take decisions for you, everyone wants to put his own opinion on you which makes you miserable. You are responsible for it yourself. Just shrug and chill, you can't stop them doing that but you can definitely stop letting it bother you.
Now how does one come to know about that?

May you live in interesting times

2010-05-07T19:34:00.003+05:30

So Bebe n I were completely bored Sunday evening. We decided to watch a random movie. So we land up at the PVR where we had our first date.

We had a couple of hours to kill. There was this lady reading Tarot Cards in a little makeshift tent.
We decided to let Bebe have a go at it.

And she was good. Real good. Told everything correct correct (yes I need to repeat it).
I have never before believed in Tarot Cards. I mean okay palmistry, astrology, they have some logic behind them. But randomly drawing cards? Come-on! The things she told about Bebe and somethings about his 'girlfriend' was so amazing that we were dumbstruck for quite a while. We were so zapped that we forgot to ask for a session with me.

So we went to her again, on my last evening in town for getting my reading done.
She was uncanny! She was reading my feelings like an open book. Each n every one of them. How???
She has that typical beautiful Punjabi face. But what really strikes you is that she is so calm and peaceful to look at. I automatically trust her. She is definitely not doing this for money. She seems to simply respect her gift.

Now we are going to have our astro-charts done from her. She says she is better with those ones. And I have asked Bebe to tell her the truth about our girlfriends.

PS: Her husband called Bebe to say that she is interested in us. Especially Bebe. I suspect that she knew we were lying somewhere cause we did not answer clearly about why I am saying 'No' to marriage consistently and some other such things. So Bebe is visiting her again this Saturday. Her husband says that we are going to get a special concession for our Astro-charts.
Did I tell you that I am going to Delhi again on Sunday for a job interview? She says I will get it, let's see :D

Angulimal

2010-05-06T21:48:00.002+05:30

Background: Buddha tells the serial killer of Kaushala, Angulimal, if you can not give someone life, then you don't have the right to take one. The guy gives up his profession and becomes one of Buddha's close devotees.
The full story, which I never knew before can be found here.

Teach us these stories when we are kids, and then whe we grow up, bay for blood.

All news channels demanding Kasab be hanged. A little handicapped girl of around 8 explaining why he should be hanged, she has obviously repeated this to other cameras innumerable times.
I am uncomfortable. I am reminded of Albert Camus' 'The Stranger'।
I grant that the stories and the circumstances of both the accused are different. People should not have died like this.
The sanskrit news bulletin on DD News called him a ' निर्दयी राक्षसः'।
I totally agree.

I ask mom, can you pull the lever of the trapdoor and hang him by your own hands? No, she says, but he's like a rotten body part which has to be removed even though you don't want to, even though its your body. The crimes of the body have to be paid for by the body itself.

I think, a judge's job is really shit for his own psychological well being. Thank God I am not a judge.

After he is hanged, then what? Will the victims families feel some relief? Closure (the fashionable American term)?
I really don't think so. All that will remain will be an emptiness.
Where will you divert your anger, your frustration, your helplessness then?
Only emptiness is what will remain !

Is there any other solution at all?

Wierd names

2010-05-05T09:18:00.002+05:30

Continuing on my diatribe against wierd indian names a few more samples:
Prateeksha=Wait
Alp=Little/Small/Less
Ankush=Pointed instrument used for controlling an elephant something like similar to a hunter
Sameeksha (Heard on the radio today)=Precis

Why? Why? Why? What's wrong with these parents, hein? How about buying a Hindi to English translation dictionary before tying down your kids with such stupid names?

Test

2010-05-01T07:18:00.001+05:30

Test

2010-04-25T08:54:00.003+05:30

I think I have written it before, but it deserves being said again, your sexuality is your personal business.
Decision to come out should not be guided by the fact that most of the people on the Internet have come out and so you should too. I am practically out to Mom but she is in denial and doesn't even want to talk to it or even agree that the case is so

Show me a movie

2010-04-25T08:37:00.003+05:30

My u-torrent and e-mule are sitting idle for last 3 days. Suggest some good movies please. Along with FB, I am off porn and gay-themed movies.
Recent downloads- Newyork I love you, Peyton Place, It happened one night, In Love and War, CenterStage, Taboo (Japanese, 1999), Taxi Zum Klo (deleting very soon), The Time Traveller's Wife - Just so you know.

And a question, is there a limit as to how much you can download in a month legally speaking?

Day 1

2010-04-25T08:21:00.002+05:30

I guess writing is a better addiction than Facebook. When I was living living in Delhi last year (and it seems a wierd mix of so long ago and just yesterday), I would take BigM for a walk, come back and write till it was time for me to wake up Bb. I wrote daily. Today is the first day without FB and I already feel good about myself.
The wall has started coming up, finally. Will be taking the gate and water tanks to the school today. Then I leave for Delhi in the evening. I think I better get packing if I need to be able to do other things today. And oh yes, print out the ticket. How I leave things for the last day....

Picture Picture

2010-04-24T21:29:00.003+05:30

A post should follow these pictures I guess. I plan to retire when I am 40-45. Then I want this to be my view. Bebe please start collecting all the plans for the Bungalow we want to build there.

Discipline Discipline

2010-04-24T21:13:00.002+05:30

Another enemy - indiscipline. I wish I could live a disciplined life for one whole week. I would become my own biggest fan. LOL. So some Sunday Resolutions till I return home(Did I mention I will be with someone special for next few days :):

I am off Facebook
Pray everyday
Do some form of exercise for 20 minutes. Maybe Yoga.
Wake up at exactly the same time everyday.(I do have to put something that I can follow na)
Avoid watching television and pissing off Bebe
Finish off the numericals book I plan to take to Delhi instead.
Make Bebe show me a park or somewhere safe and non-dusty where I can take MnM for walks while I'm there. They need it and Bebe does not take them...at all.
Eat out only 2 days the whole trip.
Make 2 paintings/sketches while I'm there.
Blog more frequently.Will keep updating this one :)

Old Enemies, New Enemies

2010-04-24T14:48:00.002+05:30

Old- Procrastination: A new painting is coming up nicely, but I am putting off doing it for so long :(

New-Facebook-My new enemy No 1. Should I just delete the account?....and lose the only 'social circle' that I have :P

Finally visited the only batchmate from my industry that I have in the city. Was such an effort but had to do it I know. Told him not to forget to call me for any gatherings etc etc LOL.

This post is definitely not commisioned

2010-04-17T23:58:00.003+05:30

Okay rewriting this post. The earlier draft was outrightly rejected by its subject. I had started writing this one when I was in Delhi ~~last week~~ last month but never came round to it. USP's this post reminded me that I needed to write it down. It all began when Little M started to give birth a few weeks back. Bebe has always led me to believe that he is afraid of anything to do with blood and syringes. Since it was connected to MnM I knew Bebe will do anything, but this was a very different side of Bebe that day. He proved his mettle. Not only did he help deliver the first one, who unfortunately was stillborn, he drove around 20 kilometers with Little M and her poor dead pup without even shedding as much as a tear. It instantly reminded me of Scarlett O'Hara's flight from Atlanta with Melanie and the little black slave girl from Gone with the Wind. 'I will think about it tomorrow! After all tomorrow is another day'
Life has not exactly been Gone with the wind. But if it was, Bebe is the perfect Katie O'Hara. Me? I'm no Rhett Butler for sure, maybe Ashley Wilkes. But Bb, he's definitely Scarlett. Selfish? Yes because he knows that he comes first. Manipulative? Maybe, but then there are people willing to be manipulated. Sharp buisnessman? Definitely. String of Beaux. You bet. Fashion/Clothes? Obviously. Scheming? I don't think so. But he is honest about everything to the core. He honestly knows n believes when he's happy you are happy. He's not all about vanity and selfishness at all. He is reliable, gritty.
And he will turn to you when he is feeling vulnerable and make you feel like Rhett Butler. Now who wouldn't want to be in Clark Gable's shoes?

[The book and the movie merge into one when I think of the character. I saw the movie when I was in standard 5 or 6. I read the book when I was in class 11th. Vivien Leigh, Clark Gable, Olivia de Havilland-they were born to play those roles. Never thought I'd be able to read that thick a book ever before. I opened it at random, read a few pages, didn't realize I had read about 50. Opened again at random, same thing happened, so I decided to read the book right from the start. Worth every page. Read the sequel too.]

Just Jockeying

2010-04-17T23:27:00.002+05:30

This ad makes me so glad that I'm gay and able to enjoy it ;)

New Inspiration

2010-04-17T23:19:00.003+05:30

Yes. I think the artistic block is over (oh how I flatter myself by repeatedly calling myself an artist...well believing is the first step).
A wonderful artist added me on Facebook. He makes temple murals in Kerala and teaches art to kids on Sundays. He's only 3 years elder to me and he is brilliant. If I don't become brilliant soon, I won't be brilliant ever. HA HA HA !
Okay he was not the inspiration, I got inspired earlier in the evening. I am pausing the oil experiments for the time being. I'll be going back to good old paper and doing lots of acrylics. Bebe told me to get all the paintings I am not framing for him to frame. I ain't got any but one, so I'll do all the practising and get them for him before I leave for Delhi....in 6 days :)
I have been talking more than actually drawing/painting.

PS: Can you remove that thing growing under your lower lip. Doesn't suit you at all. In fact doesn't suit anybody at all ! Yes I mean YOU.

HImachal tourism

2010-04-16T21:35:00.002+05:30

I am planning a trip to Himachal with Bebe this month end. I say Kasauli/Solan cause its nearest to Delhi Rushdie connection etc, I don't know and more importantly because we have only Sat n Sun. His advisor friends say McLeodganj Dharamshala which I think is too far and will require more than 2 days because I definitely want to visit Pragpur. Okay my idea of the visit is that it should be Himachal (too bored of Uttarakhand), hills, there should be a stream on the way where you can take a dip, should be near Delhi. Am pestering Bebe to bring along his 'hot' friends too (tht's why that stream dip has been thrown in ;). Okay so where shall we go this summer?

Bloody country of corrupts and unprofessionals

2010-04-16T21:24:00.004+05:30

I know I know this blog is turning into one long complain, but I can't help it. Even Bebe says tussi change ho gaye ho ji. Being irritable has become a second nature. Anyways on to today's complain. The land is agricultural. Apparently you can not construct on it. So the 'land-use' has to be changed. The application thru the lawyer has gone to the SDM and come back with his marginal noting addressed to the Tehsildar (yes, they do exist, never thought I would encounter one after Class 7 Civics book) asking if this is an urban area (don't know the correct English term, in Hindi it says aabadi wala kshetra). This guy is supposed to write simply yes and it will do it. Dad has hinted to his assistant, the patwari, that he'll get his chai-paani. He knows he wants it, we know he wants it, then why doesn't the SOB name the price, take it and get the thing done with.
That was the corrupt part. The unprofessional part has to do with the contractor. B*strd is so slow. He's simply not finishing the building. I'll not write in detail about it because I curse him all through the day and writing about him anymore will be too much for me to take. It should suffice to say that I'll be thankfull if the creep finishes it off by the end of this month. Anyways, we're starting the boundary wall on Monday hopefully(I know that actually means Wednesday even though the contractor is not doing it and I will be supervising it completely), so laddoos for every one :)

Indian Art Scene

2010-04-16T08:56:00.005+05:30

Do you like the kind of art we are generating in India now a days? Mrs C used to call it scam art. I feel it too. Recipe for making great Indian art seems to be : Use a large canvas, okay make it huge. Take 10 parts very poor at drawing (you must be especially bad at drawing noses, eyes and feet and you must certainly draw these on the canvas, with a Number 12, as an afterthought). Mix well with 2 part use of psychedelic colours straight out of the tube ( no mystery at all how u came up with such an amazing colour to it). Let it simmer at slow flame with 25 parts of no talent at all. Don't use brushes, definitely not Numbers 0 to 6 to stir. Use your hands, bums or even chappals if you must. Use paint rollers, spatula, or even the everyday mason's kanni. Remove the remotest hint of a figure, form or clarity from the picture. If the layman likes and understands the taste directly, you have definitely failed. Come up with the a name which is at once 'different', a commentary on the sad things in the society today, your sexuality, the other person's sexuality and shocking to the Hindu right/left/centre. Garnish freely with framing more expensive and talented than the painting. Do a series. Just reverse the colours. Or maybe you could play a game. Use the next colour in your box in place of every colour on the previous canvas. Harmony is a definite no-no. Serve with pretentious socialites who pretend to know what you are actually trying to convey with the painting. Be seen at the gallery turning your nose up at every non-artsy looking person. And yes do wear the most attrocious attire. Either don't wear your footwear or put on a big bindi and lots of eye-liner. There ! You have just made yourself a 15 lakhs a piece painting.

:(

2010-04-16T08:50:00.003+05:30

I've been trying my hand at Oil Paintings for the past few days. I have tried two but they have been real bad. I mean REAL bad. There was a flicker of a phase when I really started enjoying it but no I'm not good at it again. I need a subject for still life I think. And there have to be Yellow Ochre and Prussian blue in it [because I squeezed out a lot lot more than I could use and you can't put the colour back into the tube :( ]. I know oil is the thing for me, only I don't have a nice encouraging subject right now.
PS: 1) Bebe really liked the man with the orange turban. Wish I could show it to you guys :P
2) I've started signing what I make with this name at a tiny corner behind the paintings I frame from now on. So you will know an original 50 years from now when I am really famous. LOL LOL LOL.

Earthing the building

2010-04-16T08:30:00.008+05:30

Dig a hole. Put some nassaddar

Put the copper plate and wire. Connect the wire to the MSB.

Add some charcoal

Water it well. And you are ready. Fill up the whole :)

Untitled

2010-04-16T08:26:00.002+05:30

Don't know what to post any more. Yesterday someone came and took the first admission form. Dad's estimate is that more admissions will happen after the summer holidays because people don't like paying fees for the summer holidays. Let's see. A mason, who is supposed to make the boundary wall, also wants to admit two children. He did skip a beat when he heard the fees, can't afford to get philanthropic right now, but then he asked if some concession will be made as he has two kids. I suggested to Dad later that we can make the children from the first two years of the school as the special Pioneer's batch who will study right through at a lower fees. We can suffix their admission number with a P or something. Those who get admitted later will of course pay the regular fees.

The ''Rated-R for Language'' Post (under 18 pls don't read)

2010-03-30T17:50:00.004+05:30

Like he gave thorns to pretty roses, horns to timid cows he made horny-homophobic-meddling-nosey-cousins to go along with your-friendly-neighbourhood-sober-decent-gay-guy. One such bane to humanity is my good for nothing freako-cripple-cousin David. In the previous post I had told you how the bastard was supposed to come home. Luckily he never turned up. Since I had to go out of town the next day, I did escaped meeting him at all. But the nosey bastard that he is, he could not let it be at all.
The background to this story is as follows. My cousin is that he's the typical 'lusting-after-girls-and-trying-luck-everywhere' kind of straight guy. So in a different life when he was friends with Bebe, much before he came to know that Bebe is gay, David got came to know that Bebe has plenty girls/classmates living next door to the right, and next door to the left, upstairs and downstairs in his building. As would be expected in any story, he happened to be there when a few girls dropped in. He directly added them as friends on Orkut. One of the gals maybe started chatting to him (with no dishonourable intentions from her side because my cousin is one of the fugliest character that walked earth with buck-tooth and horn-rimmed glasses to go with it.). She was the same creature who had told most of Bebe's classmates, colleagues, friend's in the industry that he is gay. I am in Delhi now a days for some work and staying with Bebe of course.
So. When the bastard cousin came to know that I'm in Delhi, he instantly sought her assistance in finding out where I was staying. So she calls Bebe on the phone and in a casual manner drops in "Where's FG now a days". Since we have been though this before, and we knew her to be a double agent, Bebe said, "He must be at his home.Why?""Oh nothing, just like that".
Then the bastard on reaching back Delhi tries to chat Bebe up, even though Bebe n I have not been talking to him for the past one year and have both put him on ignore list on all his IDs. Bebe again bans this ID. So he calls on the phone. Bebe disconnected his phone, called me up, had a word with me and then called him back - cordially. Two can play a game. He did beat about the bush but was not able to muster enough courage to take my name in front of Bebe. He did try to ask Bebe's address which he tactfully did not give him. Now the question is, is the bastard being his own slimey-lowly self by trying to find out where I am staying or have Mom n Pop set him up after me so that they can have a 'word' with Bebe. With this background I will be 'talking' to them when I return home ......

Murder he wrote

2010-03-26T06:56:00.006+05:30

Maasi is coming to join her new job. That's good news. Her son, the whistle-blowing cousin is bringing her. That, I have a premonition, is only the beginning of bad news. I hope he has the sensibility of not coming to stay here. Of course if he does, he's coming nowhere near my room. If by some freak chance he is here, I'll murder him in his sleep. He has, after all, been the topic of Bebe n my hate talk for such a long time. We will give it back to him one day. Meanwhile, his life is shit as it is. I want to act maturely at home as if I don't care about him. I want to give a cold shoulder, but the problem is Mom n Dad n maybe Maasi will ask why I'm not talking to him. They're all living in denial. Oh, just writing about him makes me want to smash his had...all blood and gore...only that will satisfy me.

Its not flying this year :(

2010-03-25T18:55:00.004+05:30

Working with these land-lubber contractors for the first time in my life I realized what ship-shape means. These guys are so unplanned, so bloody slack. Had they been on my ship I would have screwed their happiness majorly. The builing is going so slow I will be thankfull if they can complete by end of April. I can't understand why doesn't the contractor finish off the building and take up another contract, he's losing money by delaying, its simple economics.

The only parent who had promised to put her child in our school said that your builidng is not ready yet, we went to see it in the evening. Why don't you start the next year, as it is my daughter is very young (lame excuse of course). The lousy contractor has still not finished the building. Most of the parents have already taken admissions for their children. One of the schools starts admissions in December. So its not gonna happen this year. Next year we start campaigning in December. Door to door in Jan end & Feb beginning. Chalo its good. I was loosing sleep for the past two day (waking up even earlier than the usual time), after deciding not to go ahead with the opening this year I finally slept peacefully in the afternoon (even during the powercut).

Everything may be for the good only. Dad n I calculated, even if we get only 5 admissions (which we are definitely not having) we will be spending Rs 2 lakhs this year. This amount can be used for construction of the 2nd floor so that we can start from Kindergarten upto Standard V next year. Bebe is there, the brain behind the campaign, planning, marketing everything so I know we are going to be a super-success. (Wish his stupid bosses new what an asset he is in any business, give him a free hand and he'll work his ass off to make sure you are going places). So we are mulling on the possibility of renting out one of the room to students from one of the colleges nearby. That takes care of the security part. To keep an eye on these boys and for the actual security we employ a chowkidar who will also be staying there. Papa can get the 2nd floor constructed in the mean time. The furniture for additional classes, swings, other additional stuff everything can be got ready. The park, playground will come in shape. The plants that I am going to plant this year will be bit bigger. In short we will be in better shape.
Papa posed a question. Do you think we can change the name of the school if we are not starting this year. I guess he's not entirely happy with the school's name. Any suggestions?

BA

2010-03-21T07:33:00.001+05:30

I so have had enough of Bryan Adams for this life-time. Stopped listening to him about 6 years ago. Nothing against him personally though.

PS: is he gay ?

A commissioned post ? (Why I love Bb Part-I)

2010-03-20T07:13:00.004+05:30

Bb wants me to write about him. Its been 3 weeks now. Till the time I wanted to write about him meself I had all the ideas, but ever since he has asked... I can think of no witty way of writing all this.
Okay so I begin with Bebe is a GREAT cook but there's nothing funny to add after it. I don't joke about food. Food and I are serious issues. Just say,"Bb I'm feeling hungry" and then sit in front of the telly waiting for those amazing scrumptious dishes to appear....ah, heaven! That is the fun. Bebe doesn't nag if I am watching television when he's cooking (okay only a little bit). He has, obviously, waltzed straight into my heart with his food (you see now you really got me going). Even when you think there's nothing left in the kitchen cabinet, he can conjure dishes which you did not know existed. I will not be exaggerating if I say he is up there with Mom with his cooking (my mom, not his..yeow!). He is creative with it. And he is a creative person. And he has learnt it all by himself ? Trial (& not much error), with little inputs from (his) Mom n sis. I can imagine fabulous parties that we are going to have...

You got to be kidding me !

2010-03-19T19:14:00.001+05:30

You really really have to check out this guy's work. Amazing!
www.pedrocampos.net

Gym

2010-03-16T09:37:00.002+05:30

wondering if I should join the friendly neighbourhood gym. I have the equipment at home but I am way too lazy to move my butt. Maybe paying for it will actually inspire me to visit the gym regularly :(
Comments?

Birds of feather...

2010-03-16T07:25:00.002+05:30

Have you observed how female bloggers have only ladies blogrolled, gay bloggers have mostly other gays on their list...

2010-03-15T19:42:00.001+05:30

I hate Kishore Kumar, don't you?

Meaning

2010-03-15T19:19:00.002+05:30

1. Ask yourself everyday, "What do I want?"

Set some simple goals for just one thing that you want. Make a list of the actions it will take to achieve that goal.

2. Explore your passions.

What do you LOVE to do? What gives you energy, makes you smile to think about, or seems like a dream that could never come true? What did you always want to do but never got around to doing? What would it take for you to move closer to doing one of your passions or finding one of your forgotten dreams?

3. If you had worlds of money and time, what would you do?

Make a list. These are some of the things you need to start doing now.

4. Watch your thoughts--they lead to your actions.

If you notice your thoughts are negative, replace them with ones that make you feel good. Spend 20 minutes every day thinking of things that make you happy,--places you want to visit, people you want to be with, objects you would like to own. Picture yourself there. FEEL it.

5. Keep your mood and thoughts in a positive place.

Read books that inspire, watch TV that makes you laugh or gives you hope, and be around people that feed your spirit. Weed the rest out. Do not start or end your day watching news filled with tragic stories.

6. Re-define your purpose and vision for your life.

The purpose of your life needs to be very clear. It's who you are and how people identify you. Exercise your creativity to re-invent any part of yourself or your life.

7. Have a career that feeds you enough money for your lifestyle, pride about what you are doing, and excitement for your day.

If you feel at a stand-still in your work and career, brainstorm with people about ideas for a career shift. Don't stop searching until you find something that you feel excitement for.

8. Reach out to people and build a network of support.

If you are having a bad moment in life and doubt your worth or contribution to others, make a list of five friends and call them and ask them to tell you what you mean to them. This is a very powerful exercise. I guarantee you will never forget it.

9. Learn new skills, techniques, crafts.

There is nothing like learning something new that gives a special hopefulness for the future.

10. Exercise.

You have to take care of your body so your body can take care of you and take you where you want to go. Besides--it gives you energy and is a mood elevator.

11. Meditation and prayer.

They both have a profound affect on mental and physical health.

12. Consider adopting a pet.

Pets give us unconditional love, 24/7.

http://www.tonjaweimer.com

http://ezinearticles.com/?How-To-Live-Alone-And-Love-It&id=147849

Cranky Day

2010-03-15T19:02:00.006+05:30

The crazy day continues. The bane being a bachelor and staying at home when you are 30 y.o. Even though I am staying at top of the house. I am still staying in the house. Its crazy. They dumped all the school furniture in one of my rooms. OK it was planned that way only, but I said let me do some arranging and make some space for it, we can keep it tomorrow. It has been lying in the back veranda for 2 days already so one more night won't matter. But no. When a thing has gone into his head, he has to do it. He's that bullheaded. I just went crazy and wild. Its really really really irritating. Bebe says I get irritated very quickly now a days. I know that I am quirky now a days. It comes with being single and without any friends. I have very few friends and I don't think I like any of them. OK maybe this is my crankiness speaking, but yes I do have very few friends and I don't see making any of my kinds of friends here in this city. Delhi would have been different. Maybe I'm underestimating the intellect of the people here. Not having a gay friend could be another reason. There is no one to share and give his perspective. But how do you make a gay friend here in this city when its already so difficult to make a straight friend. Do I start crawling on those websites again? Oh its so much work there. Then there is the jealous Bb to deal with. I guess he has seen so much of the 'gay world' or maybe he doesn't trust me with someone that he has in not so many words put a blanket ban on me being on any of those gay sites. 'Its not for us'. Bebe has introduced me to one of his own friends who is from this town. But I don't want any of Bebe's friends. Moreover its not the same thing as having your own friends. Why does one need friends? Sometimes its to bicker on your partner, right? How do I do that if I know that once the meeting is over he is going to exchange notes with Bb, even though Bb claims he has told him not to tell anything about the meeting. And is it even safe to do so if this guy has been knowing Bb for at least the same amount of time as I have? I am not that trusting. Period. Anyways I don't like any of his friends and its not my crankiness speaking this time. I have been unjustly and unnecessarily on the receiving end from some of them. Yes, it spoilt it for ever I guess. I think I have to find more to do with so much of free time I have. I found a very interesting article regarding my situation, I will copy paste it here. PS: Bb n I know that we have some time, I guess quite some time before we start living together. I can't describe how difficult it is living like this. Sometimes it feels like I have brought this prison term upon myself. Wouldn't it have been better to be living some place else with Bb and happy. But would the guilt of having left old parents alone allowed me to live happily? No. So it is this. I only hope the school gets up and running asap. I think I'll shift there maybe the next year when I'll be getting the new wing constructed. Initially it will be an excuse to oversee the construction then it will automatically become a permanent affair. Then let the school become self sufficient, I'll be going away on long holidays with Bb. And for Bb reading this, please don't crib if I am trying to be honest on the blog now. Muah.

Empty Empty

2010-03-15T17:07:00.003+05:30

Yes. That empty feeling again. Mondays are such losers. Just look at FB, no updates from anyone other than some compulsive posters (:P sorry!) . Mom n Dad were away at a yoga meeting. I was home, the carpenters were working on the school furniture. Pictures will be added later. Worked on a painting till the light was there. Did I tell you that I have zero imagination. I need a photograph to paint. Not very creative is it? My printer's not working otherwise would have take print outs. There is power cut every day from 2 to 5 because some million people are washing away their sins in a city nearby. This will continue till April, when the thing finally finishes. Its so so frustrating. You are very well capable of paying off the power bills but you are still not able to get it. Why? Because the government employees who are supposed to do their jobs are not doing it. Power theft, loss of power during transmission, low production, less water in the rivers (in this supposedly power surplus state) I don't care, just give me my electricity when I need it. Let me get over this cash crunch phase. I am putting solar panels all over and saying permanent good bye to state provided electricity. A colonel actually did it in the city. The electricity department had sent him a huge bill. He didn't pay. They cut the power. He switched to solar. After about 7 years they begged his forgiveness and pleaded him to take an electricity connection. That is exactly what I am going to do.
The painting is not going very well. I am afraid to use lots of colour. I think its lack of confidence coupled with being a big kanjoos that is the issue here.
Tomorrow Dad n I are going to put school banners all over. I will be distributing some pamphlets day after. Maybe I'll distribute a few tomorrow also. Need to print out new school admission forms today or tomorrow early morning. The furniture also needs to be shifted upstairs, that has to be done now.

2010-03-14T22:03:00.000+05:30

Question: Which ear piercing means your gay? The right side or the left?

Best answer: Are you 10 years old? Being attracted to the same sex is gay. An ear piercing doesn't specify your sexuality. Get which ever ear you want pierced, and grow up.

http://gaybanker.blogspot.com/2009/03/left-or-right.html

I am a Thankless person

2010-03-13T20:37:00.003+05:30

I am proud of myself for doing somethings better than everybody else. Laundry is one of them. I love semi-automatic top loading washing machines. The only front loaders that I am crazy about are tumble-dryers. At home we have a front loading IFB. I simply hate it. You don't have any control over the washing, it uses more water than normal, seems to wrestle with the clothes and finally doesn't clean them very well. The new CK is all yellow-yellow dirty fellow. My normally sparkling white vests are the same colour. The grey sweat-shirt (which I had to fight with Bebe to get back) has got a pink patch (from Holi Colours presumably, even though I didn't wear it on Holi). Thankfully I talked to Bb instead of Mom when I was angry. He diffused my irritation. So I was more teasing when I showed it to Mom. When I told her I want a top-loading machine, she simply said-Buy it. From tomorrow I do my own laundry.

Don't Go Far Off, Not Even For A Day

2010-03-13T07:29:00.005+05:30

Don't go far off, not even for a day, because --
because-- I don't know how to say it: a day is long
and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station
when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep.

Don't leave me, even for an hour, because
then the little drops of anguish will all run together,
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift
into me, choking my lost heart.

Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.
Don't leave me for a second, my dearest,

because in that moment you'll have gone so far
I'll wander mazily over all the earth, asking,
Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?

-Pablo Neruda

Women's Day

2010-03-08T20:22:00.002+05:30

Been reading all the women's blogs in my blog roll . Really didn't know Women's Day was so important to them.

....has it got something to do with remembering all the dates - anniversary, birthday, first date etc etc ? :P

Sneezing, wheezing, ach-choo, ach-choo !

2010-03-08T20:01:00.005+05:30

...will expect you to fuss a bit over his health... (from Linda Goodman's Sun Signs)

I hate this common cold in combination on top of the pollen allergy. Been sneezing the whole day. Its the initial stage when the whole nose is irritating and flowing like water.
Haven't been keeping up properly with the school work since holi. Will be sending Dad tomorrow. I'm gonna take the whole day off.

Linda Goodman to my rescue

2010-03-08T19:55:00.004+05:30

....he may have his cranky and moody spells now and then, perhaps even frequently. But one thing is sure. If you leave him alone, he won't go out of his way to start an argument with you. Just let him get over his grumpiness and he'll surprise you with tenderness to make up for it....

Dead Blogs / Unfinished Stories

2010-03-08T00:55:00.005+05:30

Still unable to sleep, I was blog hopping. Found so many links on CrazySam's Blog where guys have stopped writing, mostly in 2009 but a few as far back as 2007. I guess dead blogs should be immediately de-blog-rolled. So many dead links give a dead-y feeling. And each person should stick to only one blog. Going by that logic I would not then share my real blog identity (Gaybanker has done a real nice post on that, find it on his sidebar). The logical next question will be, then why did u do it? There were plenty of reasons. My secret sexuality had been busted. (The current status about that is its a European Secret, everyone knows about it but everyone has gone back into denial so I'm comfortable again.) All this put pressure on my 'relationship' (I really get irritated by that word). I was questioning it. There was a sort of 5 year itch. Did I get into this 'relationship' too early? Are there other fishes in the water that I should have tried before settling for Tuna. Questioning why shouldn't I get married. I don't think I have really ever come to terms with my sexuality. Some of these questions still remain but I guess I will have to find their answers right here.
ps: I guess I really should sleep now. I think I need to install a small bed side lamp, would have slept faster if there was a book to read.

Moblog

2010-03-08T00:38:00.003+05:30

I really really want to learn how to blog from the mobile phone. I am being lazy about getting the 3G thingy activated on my phone, it involves aquiring a new telephone number. I tried logging in to FB using GPRS on my phone it cost me two bucks for a failed attempt. I have never before felt technologically handicapped. The thing is I am not bothering to find out and sort out the issue. I think this is how one gradually becomes outdated, you need to update constantly to remain current. I guess I should be more patient the next time Dad sits in front of the computer :P

Grindr

2010-03-08T00:35:00.001+05:30

Interesting thing this Grindr

Got rid of her, finally.

2010-03-07T23:57:00.002+05:30

Finally deleted Shobha De from my blogroll. I don't know why I added her in the first place. I find her columns waste of print space. She writes all crap. Feels all self important. In fact the whole of Sunday Editorial page in the Times of India is all crap (just like the rest of the daily TOI papers). I don't know how the paper has become so popular. Remember how they had brought in Shashi Tharoor to write a column each Sunday after he had freshly lost UN Gen Sec's post. He was another conceited columnist. He would write a sort of dictionary of Indian words. There would be an alphabet every week and he would write the definitions of some common Indian words which worked their way into the English language. All crap and mostly uninteresting of course.
Now they have brought in Chetan Bhagat. Really. Am I waiting the whole week to know Chetan Bhagat's opinion on the budget? Was 5 point someone really such a brilliant book? At least Shobha De has some sex thrown into hers. Just read today's (oh its yesterday now, thanx Bb) Sunday Times to see what I mean about Bhagat. The only saving grace is MJ Akbar they have recently brought in (in my life recent is measured in a period of 6 months). How Swaminathan Anklesaria allows himself to be printed along with these crap artists is beyond me. I hope he defects from The Economics Times, that is the only way he can escape being printed with these wannabe-celebrity-types week after week after week.....

Khan Thackeray make me a Xenophobic?

2010-03-07T15:59:00.006+05:30

Why did the cartoonist, whose lately gone senile, have to change his spelling according to the famous author? I have to google it every time I write his name.
I am getting irritated whenever I hear a Maharashtrian speak. Thankfully there aren't many to be found here. But I did travel to Delhi with a bunch, on the train, a fortnight ago. I almost wanted to ask them if they had brought their passports along, were they here on a work visa or a tourist visa.
Part of the reason is Shiv Sena. The other reason I recently worked with a Maharashtrian who was all ga-ga over Raj Thackeray's ideas. He shared with my why the city should be named Mumbai, why the bhaiyyas (use that term to address someone from UP in my presence in a derogatory way and I'll strangle you) should be sent back to Bihar and UP, how the bhaiyyas spit betel & supari all over, how it is the Maharashtrians who are actually running Bombay etc etc. I could have argued with him and told him each and every one of these arguements don't hold water but the guy was so old, it was useless to explain to him. Can't these guys learn anything from Sheila Dikshit?

Hussain

2010-03-07T15:55:00.003+05:30

IF he really wanted to go then its good he went. Good riddance. I don't care if he painted the Gods naked or fornicating. I do care about the brouhaha he created. He's become a publicity monger at this stage of his life. Try as he might, he can't just wish away his Indian-ness. Born an Indian, he'll always be an Indian. When he dies he will never be known as a Qatari painter. Maybe for a few years after his death there will be a mention of this part of his life. But give a few decades it will be rare to find anyone who will know that he had given up his Indian citizenship.

Something's Wrong...

2010-03-07T15:50:00.003+05:30

....with my blogger time. The post by Carol Marine which I had read in the morning is still showing as written 27 minutes ago.
Btw Maasi got the job. She's not a drooping flower anymore. She's a kachnar in full bloom :)
Now the only thing is to get her to stay another day.

Karthik calling karthik

2010-03-07T04:38:00.002+05:30

Okay I don't have the patience to watch this movie. I hate Farhan Akhthar, I find him too pretentious. He has no business to be an actor. I don't like Deepika Padukone. Have you heard her speak hindi? She sounds like a BTM.
Can someone please tell me what happens? What's the end and then what's the beginning. I really don't have the patience to watch this movie and this is what I do when I don't watch a movie and need to know about it. Ask.

Why I loved Ayan Mukherjee ( Mukerji - wierd way to spell it isn't it?)

2010-03-07T03:45:00.006+05:30

Heh heh. No he's not one of my ex-lovers :P
Wake up Sid is the only movie I have watched four times and haven't found any fault with it each time that I watched it. I think the only other one that I have watched more than twice was Beautiful Thing (which I have definitely watched many score times more).
The key dialogue in the movie, for me, is when Konkona tells Sid that she's 27. The boy has just graduated so he should not be more than 21 (I would say 19 cause most of the people I used to know in School were 16 when we passed 12th, but it seems people do that when they are 17 or even 18 now a days). That means the hero in a Hindi movie is clear 5 or 6 years younger than the heroine. I think this must be a first for a movie. Any other movie it would have been either the core issue in the story or they would have made her a Mrs Robinson or a tragedy (read Dil Chahta Hai). Here its just a minor detail, not to be dwelt upon much.
The boy is so believable. Especially the way he is rude/badtameez with his parents. And unapologetically. That's the way it is today. Parents are friends and they get it from kids sometimes-just like friends do. No Karan Johar style parent-kids relationship (remember Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham?).
And the way he's treated in office. I imagine its almost the same as kids are treated in Bebe's office. The only difference being that they are always happy here :P
The songs were also nice. But that's nothing special.
Thankfully no smooching. We don't have to follow Hollywood in everything.
The relationship between the boy and his girl-friend, the fat gal, was also realistic. The way he physically 'fights' with her.
The BEST part is that he calls Bombay Bombay. Up yours Ghaati b@st*#ds.

In short what I am trying to say is that Mukherjee has made an honest film. I don't know whether it was a commercial success or not (by the time I saw the movie and returned on leave, the DVD's were out) but I think the director, who I guess is a boy himself, should be realy proud of the movie. And the fact that he's written the screenplay and story himself is again creditable.
Ranbeer has proved to be a good actor (that little cute ass is a bonus) Rocket Singh and all. But in the end the movie is the director's baby. I wonder if he would take me up as his assistant after reading this review :P

Okay I have to write this. You'll find me crazy n obsessive but I did find a very tiny fault and it always points itself out to me each time I watch the movie. The iktara song. Remember (I know you don't) how Konkona shuts herself up in the bathroom and the music stops. She's sitting with her back against the bathroom door, eyes cast downwards, thinking about what had just happened- I wish the music had started when she looks up and not when she is still looking down. Okay I am crazy. But I always claimed that I would become a brilliant editor. Not an actor (ain't that good lookin and would hate to be typecast as a character artist). Not a director- don't have the patience, would go into so much details that the movie would never get made , a director's assistant may be but not a director. But definitely a brilliant (no less) editor. Many an otherwise good movies have failed because the director has not considered the editor's job to b e important. Why do you think Hrishikesh Mukherjee edited all his movies? Guru Dutt anyone?

Rash

2010-03-07T03:18:00.003+05:30

Maasi's in town. She resigned from her job. Just like that. She regretted it the minute she did it. She's here for a job interview.
The tenants had moved out before I came back from the vacation. The house is basically built in such a manner that three families can easily stay. So I have shifted from my 2 and a quarter rooms to the proper 2BHK-balcony set on top of the house. My previous rooms have been rented out (to an irritating guy who is another long story). I love my new apartment. It feels like the right amount of space I need. Finally. The living room is waiting for a LCD tv. Meanwhile I'm using our first colour tv ( 22 years old no less!). Have connected it to the chinese DVD player. Don't want to put cable to it. I don't like/want to watch much television when I'm home. I will continue watching tv downstairs and get irritated by their newly aquired habit of watching Hindi tv serials. Earlier it was Sanskar/Astha combo, now this. Anyways. So the living room has also got the book case. I'm making do with school library kind steel ones for now. Can't afford the wooden one (which I eventually want) while the school is being constructed. One book case is already full. The second one will come the day after or tomorrow. I got one of the paintings, which I made during this last tenure, framed. I'm really proud of it. Will be giving another larger one (and even Bb is a fan of this one) for framing in a few days and two smaller ones along with it. I plan to fill up the living room (initially) with my paintings and then maybe the other rooms. These are my 'practice paintings' as Bb calls them. I may put them for one of the city based exhibitions in future but these are not for sale. The real good ones that I hope to be able to make one day will be for sale. outside the living room has been designated as my workshop. It opens out on to the verandah. The kitchen is also great because of the windows and the view of the verandah/outside/trees etc from there. I plan to put a few herbs on the window sill in the kitchen. I have some plans for the verandah too -plants, patio etc etc. But all that will come later. Meanwhile I'm very happy about the whole arrangement.
Mausi is staying in the small room which I've designated the guest room. But even though she's in the other room, its wierd sharing a flat etc with someone. That is partly the reason you find me awake at three in the night writing the blog. I'm absolutely used to living alone.

So Proud...

2010-03-03T20:10:00.001+05:30

Its 5 days since Bb last smoked. Two weeks to go till he is 'adjusted to this new lifestyle'. I am so proud of him. Keep going on and I'll know for sure that there is at least one positive I had on your life :)

Wasted Day

2010-03-03T12:55:00.007+05:30

What's your radio playing?Hey There Georgy Girl ! on BBC2

Really really irritated right now. First the stupid maid did not turn up. Mom n Dad had to go to the hospital to get the cousin home (I may tell her story when she gets here). I was supposed to wait till she cleaned up etc. So sat there watching two full episodes of friends. She did not come. The ex-brother-in-law did.

Bebe had already irritated me in the morning. Why does he have to make stupid comments. If I am sarcastic sometimes then telling me straight on the face will work better than giving me a taste of my own medicine. No I don't appreciate those comments related to the apprentice or any of my collegues. No I am not seeing him. No I don't feel anything sexual about him. No I don't lust after him. No my world does not revolve around him, it revolves around you. Yes I like him like one would like anybody young. Yes he looks good and I like him like like one would like a work of art. Looking is sufficient, I don't want to own. Trying to say any such thing makes it seem that you don't want me to be around anyone remotely good looking, sometimes even anyone male. That's why I have deleted you from my FB. We don't need to actually know each and everything that is happening in our lives. No I don't want to update or discuss each and every comment made on my photos or your photos all the time. No I don't want you stop asking me. Only that don't pester when I don't want to speak about something. And least of all that I want is us having to discuss what I wrote on this blog or having to run it through you before publishing it. Hopefully this is as anonymous as it can be. The one or two who have seen us and read this blog are themselves so paranoid about their identity that its safe . And meeting a few of them will be my blog-my decision (as if you don't know what decision I will finally take and what process I am going to follow. You haven't read the book carefully "Let them feel that I am in-charge and go ahead and keep doing your thing"). If you are able to read what I write please consider it as a privilege. You could also have a boyfriend who kept everything bottled up and did not communicate, how would that go for us and our 'famed' relationship? At least you know what's going on. OK OK I am as difficult a boyfriend as I sound. But then we both are ;) !

Will need to go and put up the school banners. Am in no mood to do it. This thing with the cousin is so much time consuming. Sometimes it seems so inconvenient. That's me being selfish actually. At the current rate I am in a pessimistic mood right now. Anyways I will at least visit the site and see what's been happening. 15th March? I doubt it will all be ready by that date.

PS to bb: a friend request is waiting for u on FB. mailing me ur very short comments will be non-intrusive

Nose story

2010-03-01T06:47:00.002+05:30

So much for breathing exercises. My nose is on strike most of the year. I am allergic to some North Indian plant. Its only when I went out to sea that I realized that it works. And beautifully. No wonder its so long. But I hate how I'm sneezing all thru my fav season. Did I mention I have decided to play Holi this year in spite of sneezing and all. Organic colours is the in thing so I hope most of the people are trying to keep up with the Joneses.

Holi Hai !!!

2010-03-01T05:33:00.004+05:30

There's no agenda in the diary for today :)
Today's chhutti after all. Forgot to get the pamphletes yesterday. Will need to do that tomorrow. Bebe has suggested that if i feel the idea of putting the pamphletes in the paper is wastage, I can myself go and put them in some houses [he would have done that had he been allowed to be involved:( ]. I like the idea, let's see if I can execute. Till date only one banner has been put up at the Shopping Complex. 5 others are ready. Will be putting them after Holi. The pamphletes I think I'll be doing on next Sunday. Even I don't read the paper some of the days so I guess others may read it lesser on weekdays. Sunday seems better. Uniforms I am not bothering so much about right now. The kids are too small for us to bother about uniforms. Did I say no admissions or enquiries have come up yet? Well with one banner you can't expect much but still. I sometimes feel scared about that. We were late starting the construction. There were some hassels about land use, approval etc. But I tell myself that this year is solely on an experimental basis. I won't mind so much if there isn't a single admission. I would be thrilled if there are 5. The things I think I should do next are Diaries. Mom says we should get the books. B says its not a must. They should be allowed to buy their own. I forgot I had to collect books from the last tenants. Their mom had asked me to come n collect. Will do that today. So the agenda for today is as follows: Wish holi/meet the stupid apprentice and his mom (maybe brother) who lives two blocks away, the dentist friend, the crazy software friend's parents, meet the neighbours-the stiffy ones and the General, meet mama jr-his son's boards are starting soon, will stay there short even tho that is normally the last destination. Need to meet the Mama who i think knows. I had stopped all the contacts with him but I think I'll reconnect. Then meet the cousins. That's it. Right now its time to go n do some breathing exercises, yes you know what that means ;)
P.S. Forgot to mention that they started plaster in the office yesterday. Really happy about it. Now its started taking shape.